God, I am failing at everything. My GPA went from a 3.9, to 3.5, to 2.9---and that's just my weighted GPA alone. I am alone. I think my behavior has been shooing people away. I think I am not good enough to be a friend. I suck at being a friend and it makes my mind go insane. I don't cut anymore. I just hit my head with my hands or the wall. Lately I've been using a rock because it just felt right. When I am overloaded with constant self-critisism of being stupid and forgetful, I verbally beat myself up. Journal enteries are not enough, I need more than that to punish myself. I don't deserve anyone. On my life, I swear no one could hate me more than myself.
The rock is a yooperlite. I like it. It perfectly molds itself into my grip as I bonk it too my head; not too hard to cause a noticeable dent, but enough to get my head to not get overstimulated. I don't know why I hit myself every single time there is an ounce of anger coming from my own tantrums, but it is as if it's a form of communication. To tell my head to shut the f* up. Typically, I hit myself if I make a petty mistake. It could be a big mistake as well. Ranging from: not being able to concentrate in Chemistry, to how it was my fault for scarring every relation with my loved ones just because I am a sick and horrible person.
I am selfish and only care about myself. Why can't I be a better partner? Why can't I say the right words? Why do I make it about me? Why do I never help? Why can't I be a f*ing partner. I can't even be there for her, let alone a friend. I can't accept myself. I can't fit in. I hate being neurodivergent. I wish I was normal. I wish I was more tranquil. I wish I could actually do what I'm obligated to do instead ofjust being such a good procrastonator. I want to be able to dominate my ADD, anxious thoughts, overthink, bad self-perception, and unhealthy coping habits. I might be overreacting. I am not mental. I am not insane. I am sane. OH AND I CAN'T EVEN BE THERE FOR A FRIEND. When one of them had a bad week, I wasn't trying hard enough to help them. I wish I wish I wish I wasn't such a failure with everything I fo. Honestly, this is karma. I don't deserve anything in this life---especially my family and friends. I don't even deserve the finest quality. Not even art. I wish I was bad at art, so that it gives people a reason to not "look up to me" or compare themselves to me. Envy literally kills people, and I would not try to feed into anyone's jealousy. Art was all I actually had. So after that, there is no value in me. I might just consider only drawing with my left hand. Well, it sucks to suck.