January 1, 2024 Sad. Anyway, here are my goals for this new year:
I feel horrible. I don't know what this feeling is. It's grubby. Listening to my yt music playlist is giving me the misty eyes. I am not sure why I cry so much. I don't like crying. I don't like being so damn emotional. I can't really stop the tears from coming. I feel guilty. I feel at fault for something that I'm not sure I'm even in the wrong for. I'm in my head again. I always overthink a bit too much. It hurts. Did I really mess up? It's just me surrounded by my thoughts. I had a good night with my parents for New Year's Eve, but that didn't really last long. I know I don't have it hard in life. If I just try then things would be okay, but my stupid head says "no" otherwise. I am missing.. missing.. I always seem to lose the most precious piece that makes me whole. I am speaking to a measly computer. That is so funny. I wish that things can get better, but everything seems so far from better. If I can't hope for improvement then I can give up, right? I want to simply stop. It seems so easy. I know what my emotions are but have no idea how to handle them. Allowing time to pave it's way to me seems too difficult to trust. Ignoring my emotions will pressure me to burst. Venting just makes me feel ashamed of reaching out in the first place. Music feeds into my negative energy. Food makes me fat. Breathing exercises feel forced. Journaling is never enough. Why do I keep messing up, God? My mind isn't so straight at the moment. I can't think. I hate hoping. It gets me no where. It breaks me more than benefiting the ones I care about. It does nothing but backstab me. I don't want to screw up anymore.
