July 26, 2024
I just realized that I was someone to fill the void and nothing more. It sucks. I feel massive guilt and I am going to see a theripist for this whole situation. Her psychosis probably kicked in and I literally mean nothing to her. I will always be the bad guy in her book. I wish I was honest and told her that I did want us to be a thing for one last time, but I was scared of getting hurt. I cared so much that I gave her up so she learn self-love. The world sadly doesn't work that way. Our love was never real. It was all an illusion of "give it all or nothing." I've been losing my apetite, chronically online with Quora and Reddit to learn more about BPD, and sleeping for the most part. I have games in my library that I barely touch; so many unfinished shows and movies; books that I've abandonned just to be picked up 2 weeks later; and I stay in bed and rot.
Love sucks and I hate it. Nothing in that relationship was real. But why do I still care? I don't know myself. To her, every good memory was probably erased. That's what happens when you split. No matter how much I cry, "I want to move on!!!" I can't. I can't get out of my damn head. It was all an illusion. Even the sun sets alone.
"Even when it's over
I still manage to stay awake
Replaying every moment
As everything fades away
Now it's lonely without you by my side
Remember how sickening it was to play ride or die?
I try to close my eyes..
The chance to love you again--I threw to the grave
Empty promises, secretly in love with the pain
When I say I don't want "us", it's not true
Just like when you call me dense and it leaves both of us bruised
You were hurting and lonely
I watch you move on in the distance
Because you found a new FP
You replaced me and I'm dead to you
This is the ending I never wanted
I try to close my eyes..
The chance to love you again--I threw to the grave
Empty promises, secretly in love with the pain
When I say I don't want "you", it's not true
Just like when you call me selfish and it leaves both of us bruised
I wait for you to shower; feeling nice and clean
Finally share the kiss we've always dreamed
This is the ending I never wanted
So I try to close my eyes and whisper: goodbye."